Aren’t We All Working Moms?
By Angela Principe
Are you a working mom?
Record scratch.
I hope you just giggled like I do whenever I hear that question. I think the term “working mom” should be banned. We are all working moms, aren’t we? You don’t ever hear Joe Schmoe say he’s a working dad, but mothers feel like we need to label ourselves. Putting the term work before the word mom diminishes our most important job. We shouldn’t feel like we need to explain what we do or why we do it. The fact of the matter is, it’s no one’s business.
Yet here we are. Trying to classify just how hard we work. Do you know that a “working mom” works the equivalent of 2.5 full time jobs? But also, make sure you hurry back to work and don’t forget to get plenty of sleep. Science also says that having disrupted sleep is just as bad as getting no sleep. So we are out here working 2.5 jobs on basically no sleep? Thanks for bringing that lovely information to our attention, science.
And what exactly defines a working mom anyway?
I know moms who work because their family needs the 2nd income, moms who work two jobs just to put food on the table, moms who are better moms because they go to work, moms that work part time, moms that work from home, moms that stay at home, the list goes on.
Not one of those moms is better than the next or works harder than the next. And which one “counts” as a working mom?
Back in the day, a woman’s role was clearly defined. Stay at home. Prepare food. Raise children. Keep house. Thanks to strong women who realized we have a lot more to offer and to years of hard work, women can be anything. I mean, yes, women did invent disposable diapers, child carriers, brown lunch sacks, dishwashers and car heaters which all relate to the social norms of being a mom, but thank goodness for those ladies. Women can also become scientists, inventors, CEO’s, editors, race car drivers, you name it! We aren’t pigeon holed into having one strength or one purpose. Women are finally recognized for the incredible present we are to society which allows us as mothers to choose where we utilize those strengths and how we utilize them. Women have always been powerful, but we feel as though we have a choice in how to use that power and what role we want to take within our own lives. For some, that means 40+ hours at the office and for others it means chasing children all day, but the choice is ours, whether that choice is out of necessity or passion, we decide to work. It is easy for us to connect with someone who is going through the same thing that we are, but we grow as people and we learn as mothers when we connect with parents who aren’t exactly the same.
After three children, I have had several roles within our house. I’ve had a full time office job, I’ve had multiple part time jobs, I’ve worked from home and I’ve stayed at home. Each one has come with a laundry list (pun intended) of pros and cons, but whether you are out of the house full time, or haven’t had an adult conversation for days because you are home with the kids, there is one thing we have all experienced…mom guilt.
The dreaded mom guilt.
We have all worried about whether or not we are doing the right thing. We have all laid awake at night wondering if we are doing enough for our children. We are moms, it comes with the job title.
Every mom experiences some variance of working mom guilt, but there are two sides to it. The first is the guilt we feel for our children. If we work out of the home we wonder if we are spending enough quality time with our children. We hope they understand why we work. We hope that they see us providing for them. If we stay at home we wonder if we are doing enough to contribute to the bills. We hope our children are learning to share and hope that they will make friends with people who are different than them when they go to school.
You know the phrase, “the grass is always greener?” Well, “the coffee is always hotter on the other side.” The mom drinking hot coffee alone in her car on her commute is wondering what she is missing at home, and the mom pulling her reheated coffee out of the microwave for the third time is wondering if she could be doing something more with her degree.
No one is ever prepared to become a mother. We adapt. We learn. We grow. We trust our gut and follow our hearts. Whether you are getting dressed to prove to your kids that women can do anything or if you are working an eight to five, just to buy that pair of cleats your kid needs for soccer, you are doing what you need to do to provide for your children.
The second side of working mom guilt is the guilt we feel towards our self. For some, that means feeling guilty that we aren’t at home with our children. For others, we feel guilty that we actually want to be at work, or that we stay extra to get that promotion we have always dreamt about. It is a constant internal battle about whether we are doing enough.
Unfortunately, social media has played a big part in this type of guilt. We are seeing brief snapshots of someone’s life through 7 filters. Life is not always picture perfect and we need to give ourselves some grace. As mothers, we can sometimes consider ourselves an afterthought. Children first, us second. We need to understand that a happy woman, makes for a better mother.
The funny thing about mom guilt is that it doesn’t make our job better. It doesn’t make our job easier or more fun. It doesn’t help with the dishes, take conference calls, or let us take off a few minutes early to beat rush hour on the way home. All the guilt does is creep in and make us think that we are inadequate. At the end of the day, our children would choose us over and over again and that’s what we need to remember when we feel guilty. We are deserving of all of their love.
I took a stand for myself after I had children. I decided regardless of what stage of life I was in or however I was contributing to my household, I would no longer be a working mother. I would be a “mother who works,” because being a mother will always be my number one job and my number one priority.
For me, being a mother who works out of the house full time means:
1) When I walk through those doors at 8 am, I have already done more than most of my colleagues. I’ve settled fights, got kids ready for the day, started laundry, prepped dinner, and tried to drink coffee.
2) I will always have extra “just in case” paid time off saved up for my children and if you tell me I can leave early, I will and I will try not to sprint out the door when I do.
3) Work happy hours do not appeal to me. Getting home to my kids does. This doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy our Keurig conversations, it just means I enjoy my dinner table conversations even more.
4) When I am working, I will work and I will work hard. But when I am home, I will be present with my children.
5) I will no longer apologize and I will no longer stress over being there for my children when they need me. If my kid is sick or has a speaking part as Elf #3, I will do everything I can to be there. You may see it as me, choosing my children over work, and you’re darn right.
Being a mother who works out of the house part time means:
1) Some days I will feel like Superwoman, doing it all. Some days I will feel stretched so thin that I won’t feel like I’m doing anything at all.
2) I will call my kid a coworker’s name, or tell my coworker I need to go potty, because my days will collide.
3) I won’t be making any big impulse purchases, and can probably be seen in 3 year old leggings so my kid can sport a new backpack.
4) I will live and breathe by a schedule. It’s hard enough to remember to switch over the laundry, my schedule will keep me sane.
5) I won’t feel guilty for enjoying a quiet car ride and I won’t feel pressured to be consumed with work when I am home with my kids. I will work to find a balance every day.
Being a mother who works from home means:
1) If you hear my kids screaming in the background while we are on the phone, just ignore it. It doesn’t mean I’m not working hard, it just means you caught us at a bad time.
2) I will become a master multitasker, work through lunches, move laundry while on a conference call, and get more accomplished during nap time then I probably would in the same amount of time at the office because I have to.
3) I will work extra hard because I will have something to prove, but because of that, I won’t feel guilty taking a walk over lunch or reading a book before nap time.
4) Some days will be hard to manage. Sick kids, tired toddlers, a busted sink, there will be days that I will be distracted. That doesn’t make me a bad employee or a bad mom, it just means I will make it up at some other time.
5) Some days I will need to get dressed in work clothes just to get motivated and some days I will still be in my PJs at dinner time. Regardless, work was done.
Being a mother who stays at home means:
1) I will not allow people to believe that I do not contribute just because I do not work outside of the home.
2) I will enjoy being with my children, but not every moment. Some days I will sprint out of the house at the first opportunity for alone time.
3) I will need my mom friends more than ever. For adult conversations, pep talks, playdates or reassurance that I am doing the right thing.
4) I will occasionally daydream about what life would be like if I wasn’t a SAHM, or if I should be using my degree, and that’s ok.
5) The house will be picked up, and then it won’t. It will look like I accomplished nothing even if I was doing chores non stop. Even though I’m home all day, it doesn’t make me a full time maid or chef. Some days I will have to order pizza and call it a day.
You are a mother who is doing what needs to be done for your children. You are raising our future. Whether you have your dream career, you begrudgingly leave the house everyday or you are trying to get to where you want to be, don’t sell yourself short by labeling what you do. No one should ever question if you work. You have the most important job of all, mom.
At the end of the day, my daytime job fills the bank account. But my full time job fills my heart. My daytime job does not define me. My family and my future does. I am not a working mom. I am a mother that works.
Follow Angela on Instagram at @mommywinetime.
