Divorced at Birth
My son was born in December 2019 on Christmas Eve. The hard, fast leap into becoming Momma was the fertile grounds for a complete transformation of who I am and how I see the world. I could no longer pretend to be anyone else, I could no longer make space to mother my spouse, and I could no longer live a life of blurred boundaries at the sacrifice of my mental health.
These fragile first moments as new parents morphed into months. Our son’s vulnerability tested us again and again. My anxiety levels became unbearable and I was working so hard everyday to be present enough to drink up the joy with my precious child. Our new parenthood quarantine bled into actual quarantine as the pandemic began.
The anxiety then became the thick fog I swam through every moment, struggling to be a mother, a wife, and the owner of a small, essential business. While the rest of the world turned inward, I worked harder than I have ever worked in my entire life to take care of my community as a local organic grocer. I juggled these roles tirelessly as I watched my marriage slip away without much of a sound or fight.
I was forced to draw more and more firm boundaries as time went on to survive within my marriage and to survive the Pandemic Post Partum. Pressure from others to risk catching a deadly virus to appease them was the catalyst for demanding more respect and learning to say no. Terrified that I would lose my child’s life, I could not understand why I had to consider anyone else’s feelings about choosing to protect my son. I began pointing out when others were causing me unnecessary anxiety, asking them to please alter their behavior out of love. Once I started seeing the benefit of speaking up for myself and my needs, I could not stop. People pleasing would not keep my baby alive and safe. How and where did I have the space to be a good, attentive wife?
Only now I realized I accepted the withholding of my ex-husband’s love long before I knew it was happening. He had left the marriage before he told me he wanted out. Time together trickled away and he became devoted to his hobbies, seeking alone time every moment he was not working. I felt isolated and lost, laying alone in bed most nights after I got the baby to sleep hoping he would come into the room and hold me, my mind racing. Sadness morphed and grew resentment like mold. The day came where we sat side by side in marriage counseling and he uttered, “This is counseling for divorce.” The bottom dropped out and I was suddenly thrust into a great unknown. I wanted to RUN. I could not, however, because my son had grounded me in reality from the moment he slipped from my womb and onto my chest.
Two weeks following this moment, at 10 months postpartum, I was at my midwife’s office and when they asked how I was doing I broke down into tears. I was diagnosed with PPD/PPA and suddenly the murky new motherhood made sense. The winter of 2020 became a platform on which I grew through the heaviest trauma I had yet to endure in this lifetime– the loss of a life I had imagined and the love I had held as fact. Despite the pain, I dove deeply into starting over.
It took two seasons to reassure myself that being a single mother did not mean I was unworthy of the family I had dreamed of. Through this journey I now know I changed when I became a mother. It was not a choice, and it was as much biological as it was mental. I became and continue to become a truer version of myself. Laying the foundation for the well-being and emotional health of my child means to fully love and accept myself. I must show him that being true to oneself is the greatest actualization of strength. Despite how heartbreaking for me, his father chose himself. He opened the door and I had no choice but to walk through, too. We can still be good parents to our son, together yet separate.
These are some of the resources that I turned to in this time to help me remain true to this notion and actively focus on healing:
● Conscious Uncoupling by Katherine Woodward Thomas There is not enough I could say to emphasize the value of this book. Whether or not your ex partner engages in this resource it will benefit you immensely in this process. If a path to greater understanding and evolutionary healing is what you are after, I recommend investing in this book. I personally used the audiobook version because I could listen as I was busy being a mom and entrepreneur. There are meditative practices and healing techniques punctuating each section of the book. I believe that this book allowed me to gather my reactive emotions and turn them into productive vessels for my healing.
● Pursuing creative hobbies/new interests I personally signed up for a pottery class and bought myself a typewriter. These are two things that I knew would be incredibly healing for me: technical hands-on arts. Pottery was an outlet that required all of my focus so I couldn’t think. Writing was an outlet where I could release all of the things I felt. I know another woman who turned to running during this time and it became her healing practice. It does not have to be art, it could be anything that nourishes your soul and guides you to caring for yourself.
● Coaching, Mediation & Collaborative Law I had no idea that a divorce was possible without an expensive court battle. I found my way to mediation and collaborative law via my mother who has been a divorce coach in her past. A lot of coaches will provide free consultative sessions so definitely check if you can find a divorce coach doing this, it helped me immensely to speak with someone. I found a family law practice that specializes in mediation and am grateful for this process. My son’s father and I get to decide the future of our family, not some third party in the court system.
● Podcasts & Social Community During a pandemic, I turned to my online community. There are so many podcasts and social media pages that provide support through divorce, coparenting, and single parenthood. One of my favorites is “Moms Moving On”. I was lucky to have a pre-pandemic mom group turned group chat support system as well- a lot of places have new mom circles and chances are you’ll find someone else going through a similar experience as you.
● Meditation & Mantras I found a few short meditations focused on attachment wounds, breathwork and anxiety that really helped me ground myself, along with written mantras that have morphed and changed as time passed by. My meditations were sometimes only 5 minutes right when I woke up, while the baby napped between working, when I was nap-trapped in the car… the list goes on, but I always found a way to fit them in. Sound cancelling headphones were a very important investment for me around this time. My mantras were affirmations of the healing and future I craved for my family. One of the most prominent ones I remember were “The divorce will proceed smoothly, I will get the financial support I need to survive, and I will attract only those that are good for me in my life.” The depths of my healing consisted of me repeating my mantras over and over again in my moments of despair. It helped me to manifest past the pain and be present.
I’ve asked myself why this is happening many times. The reason why is to better the life of your child, and for you to have the opportunity to step into a life that is true to you. Do not get lost in the relationship breakdown. Yes, take the time that you need to heal. Process all of the emotions. All the stages of grief must be sorted through. Doing this while you have a young child is not an easy task, because we have to be strong and present for them.
Once you get closer to acceptance, even if it is just beginning to rise on your horizon, it is time to put in the work. It is time to figure out how you will make this OK for you, your ex partner, and your child. A child’s future relationship with themself and others depends on your example. Although everyone’s situation and journey are different, your commitment to focusing on healing yourself will create a better future. The opportunity for a new normal and an evolved family awaits.
You can get through this. I believe in you, Momma.
Chelsa Molloy Salesman is a writer, farmer, owner of GreenGrocer Food Hub and single mom to a toddler in NJ. You can keep following Chelsa’s story by following her on Instagram @coeur.et.sol.
