Let Them Down: Life After Divorce
By Ashley
“I am disappointed. I just thought that you would try harder. I thought you were strong.”
Those were the unhelpful words from a now former friend when I tearfully told her I was going through a divorce. I immediately felt shame, embarrassment, hurt. I just opened up about something incredibly personal, about something so dark that it took all of what was left of my wilted energy to even say the words. Hoping, wishing and begging for some help, some words of encouragement, silence even – a nod with a look that says, “It’s going to be OK. You will get through this.” But instead, I got nothing of the sort. Instead that person took the opportunity to take me down a few extra notches, lower than low. Already drowning and being pushed down even deeper…..by a friend.
I often wonder if she thought about how much strength it took me to get through each day, how hard I tried, how mentally ill I was, how badly I wanted this all to go away, how much I hated the person I became, how lost I felt.
Why do we feel so much shame around divorce? Or more importantly, why do we let others make us feel shame about divorce? A personal choice made by two people to end their commitment to one another. A personal choice – two important words there. Personal and choice. Yet, in 2022 we are still here.
When I was ready to start sharing my story; people got awkward and weird whenever I mentioned it, like the idea of divorce was contagious. They would step back a little, they would gasp, they would apologize. Fellow moms stopped chatting with me in the school yard, friends stopped texting me, I started getting marriage advice I didn’t ask for. Some even suggested ways I could “save” my marriage. Why? Why is it like this? I wasn’t looking for sympathy or advice. I was looking for a friend, someone to listen and have a few drinks with. Someone to help me escape for a little while, someone to be there even when things got ugly, someone who isn’t phased by the huge life change I was going through. Someone who doesn’t need me because we have similar lifestyles or because they can relate to me but because they like me as a person – divorced or married.
Take away all of the sad moments and the dark days of the ending of my marriage and what’s left is, “Hey, thanks for the 15 years. Sorry it didn’t work out. We had some really great times though, didn’t we? We were just kids but we learned a lot together and we came out stronger and better. I will always have love for you and I wish you all the best in the next chapter.” Is it really that bad? Why is this such taboo? Truthfully, I handled my divorce better than most people in my life. Its strange that the worst part of my divorce journey was having to share the news. No question- that was the worst. Not moving out of a home we raised two beautiful children in, not signing the papers, not going through old photos and separating our belongings, but telling the ones closest to me that my world was about to be flipped upside down. MY world was going to be flipped upside down. Not theirs.
Why is it that? Why was the worst part of my divorce was telling others? Well I am still trying to figure that out. It has taken a bit of therapy topped with a couple of self help books but I think it may be a toss tup between not wanting to be judged and not wanting to hurt their feelings or make them sad. Empath? Yes. Co-dependency issue? Absolutely.
I was so lost. So lost that I relied on others feelings to feel. When they weren’t OK – I wasn’t OK and that is why my marriage didn’t work and also why telling others was so damn hard. It’s so easy for us women to lose ourselves in marriage and motherhood. We get so caught up in taking care of everyone else and ensuring that everything gets done and everyone is happy and healthy that we completely lose sight of what makes us tick, what we love, what we enjoy and most importantly who we are.
That is also why the “I thought you were strong” comment hurt so damn much. I was trying to be strong. I was really, really trying and ending my marriage was the first step. Why couldn’t she appreciate that as a woman, as a mother, as a human being? I didn’t expect her to understand because who can fully understand a life they don’t live? But, as a friend of mine I wanted her to appreciate that I am just a human being whose trying to figure her life out because she is completely lost in a world she doesn’t understand. I wanted her to appreciate that it took ALL of my strength to end the marriage I shared with the only person I have ever been with (add 2 children in the mix and that’s proof that it took every ounce of strength I had). What more proof does she need? Does she know how hard it was to move myself and my children into the only home we had only to move into my parents 2 bedroom apartment? Does she know how hard it is to learn how to love yourself. How hard it is to face all the shame, guilt, the hate and ugly that divorce brings, to be pushed aside and forgotten by friends and family, to be 100% there for my kids when I really just needed someone to be 100% there for me. That all took all of my strength. More strength then I knew I had.
In the end though, I was still misunderstood and alienated. I lost many people in the process, perhaps because they cant relate to me anymore or maybe because they don’t agree with my lifestyle, but the ones that stayed, the ones that checked in and reached out and showed up- they are the real MVP’s in my life. So, as Adele says – go easy on me. On us divorcees. Married or not – I am still me, a person who needs love, support and encouragement just like everyone else. At the very least try and appreciate the personal journey I am on and if you can’t be there for me in a growth period than perhaps you shouldn’t be here at all. Something that I continue to remind myself of everyday is that my divorce is really nobody’s business just like how others decide to handle my divorce is none of mine. So, I will continue to be the disappointing, forfeiting, weak person that I apparently am as I continue living my happy life.
