What You Should Do When You’re Feeling Lost From Over-giving
By Jisun Sunny Fisher, PhD, MA, CHt, CAPP
I’ve found over the past few years that there is a eerily familiar pattern that weaves through almost every female client I work with: I notice feelings of resentment, helplessness, and impatience/frustration brewing because of over-giving, over-nurturing, and over-extending ourselves. It’s heartbreaking to hear behind a sob, the echo of who once was a confident, engaging and optimistic woman; instead, because of years of neglecting her self-care through expectations of having to be a certain way through parenthood, she finds herself not knowing who she is, feeling alone in this world, and unmotivated – but more importantly, mistaking how she feels to be one of guilt and shame for not “measuring up.”
The truth is, she doesn’t feel guilt because she’s not measuring up. Instead, she feels guilt because there’s a little voice inside that whispers stories of heartbreak and loneliness – stories that culminated over the few years of forgetting who she was to fill the shoes of who society, family, and friends expected her to be. It’s not enough to have created a life inside of her body, she leans into a false belief that she is somehow responsible for the happiness and direction of this new life. In all fairness, it’s a slippery slope. Once she feels an unconditional love that wasn’t experienced before, she becomes lost in the hope of wanting the best for this new life, forgetting that it’s not her job to create happiness for anyone else but herself. In fact, doing so robs the new child the opportunity to pave their own way – the journey must be walked, not carried. But because she gives and she extends, she loses herself in the process.
I’d like for all new parents (and seasoned parents) to know – it’s natural to fall into this cycle when something new that you’re responsible for protecting is birthed into your life. But the old adage, you can’t pour from an empty cup, is just as real as it is cliche. When you don’t know how to shower yourself with love, dignity, respect, and nurture, you can’t teach others to do that, let alone your child. Finding your way back to yourself isn’t an easy road. It might feel like it stretches out further than you’re able to climb, but you’re much stronger than you know. The first step on this journey to finding yourself again is to remind yourself that you are not a noun, you are a verb. You can’t be identified by the many roles you play (mom, daughter, sister, wife, dad, cousin, PTA parent, teacher, accountant, technician). The real you isn’t in any of those words. Instead, the real you can be found in this present moment, exactly as you are. You are the voice inside that guides you towards fulfillment, joy, expansion, and peace. You are how you decide to engage your patterns of thoughts, feelings, and actions. You are the witness to what happens when you show up fully in your embodiment, authentically and boldly. You are how you focus on your breath, how you focus on your experience, and how you focus your awareness in the direction you wish to go.
You are.
Jisun Sunny Fisher, PhD, MA, CHt, CAPP, is a licensed psychologist and evolutionary coach who helps high-achieving men and women master their psychology and uncover their life’s purpose. She helps those who want to take ownership of their life, turn their weaknesses into superpowers, and embody clarity, confidence, and conviction to gain control over their emotions to live an authentic, soul-aligned life.
Dr. J received her graduate degrees from Columbia University and the University of Connecticut and is also certified in Positive Psychology, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), and Hypnosis. Dr. J’s thought leadership has been featured in ThriveGlobal, Bustle, Goalcast, Fatherly, and Thriveworks. Her forthcoming book, The Bodhi Blueprint: Master Your Fears and Live Life on Purpose, is due out in June 2022.
